Are you Annoyed by your Partner? - Episode 15
Are you Annoyed by your partner? If you're in a relationship this annoyance is bound to happen since you are both different people with different thoughts. In this podcast we talk about a tool to help soothe each other when being triggered with unpleasant emotions. This tool can diffuse most any conflicts. Join us as we talk about our experiences and how it helped out through many challenging emotional rollercoasters.
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TIMESTAMP:
►00:16 - What does Yuntaku mean?
►00:54 - Recent Happenings: Cousin Play Date
►02:50 - TOPIC: Are you annoying your partner? We’ll be sharing a helpful technique to diffuse relationship conflicts
►03:31 - Ask how your partner wants to be acknowledged and soothed when they’re triggered
►07:45 - Details Details Details.
►09:23 - Write it down.
►09:43 - Then practicing it with each other until they agree that its the way they want to be communicated with.
►14:16 - Future Gems
QUESTION: Try it out, let us know how this tool worked for you.
MUSIC:
► Copyright Chillhop Music - https://chillhop.com
Podcast Transcription
The transcription below is provided for your convenience, please excuse any errors made by the automated service.
Tamo 0:00
The more you can grow yourself, the more you can mature, the more you can see, see your thoughts, see your emotions, feel your emotions, but not be your emotions, then things really start shifting.
Akko 0:12
It's Yuntaku time with Akko and Tamo.
Tamo 0:16
What does Yuntaku mean? It's an Okinawan word from the islands of Okinawa, which means chit chat. We want to invite you to our kitchen table, and include you in our chitchat to explore new ways of thinking, to welcome different perspectives.
Akko 0:34
And we want to share ideas and how to love yourself. Love your partner, and shower your children with love.
Tamo 0:42
This is Episode 15.
Akko 0:44
And the topic of the day is are you annoying or partner, we'll be sharing a helpful technique to defuse relationship conflicts. But before we get to that, let's talk about our recent happenings. So this past weekend, our daughter got to play with her her cousins. And that was a real treat for us and her.
Tamo 1:04
It was a cousin playdate. It was really nice, wasn't it?
Akko 1:06
Yeah, it was it was awesome. Just seeing them all play together and just enjoy each other's company.
Tamo 1:13
And our daughter doesn't get to meet kids her own age. And so I think it was a great fun time for her.
Akko 1:18
Yeah, it was and I feel like it was easier because you know, if she just home alone with us, she's always wanting to get our attention. But because the cousins are there, she know she's able to play with them. They can play with her, they can keep her company, we just have to make sure that they're just not running into trouble or getting into trouble. And that's it. And I felt like it was a little easier, in a sense is more chaotic, but it was a little easier. I don't know if that makes sense.
Tamo 1:45
Yeah, I can see that. In a sense. It was a little bit more lively and fun. And so yeah, definitely. So they got to make bread, right?
Akko 1:52
Yeah, they got to make bread. So they were helping me knead it. And they all made shapes out of it. Well, just to really the oldest cousin rule. He was helping me make shapes out of the dough, the other to our daughter, and the younger cousin just was in their own world doing their own thing. Yeah. Our daughter was actually eating the dough. But yeah, so that was that was a lot of fun.
Tamo 2:18
Yeah, definitely. So yeah, if you want to see some of the pictures and video of the cousin play, check our Instagram page out at ockel and Tamo. Yeah,
Akko 2:29
check it out. It was really fun. It was it was and then we had music class.
Tamo 2:33
Yeah, we did music with them. And then we played in the garage. We went out for a walk.
Akko 2:38
Yeah, it was it was Yeah, it was a lot of fun. It was a very productive weekend.
Tamo 2:42
Yeah, they got to do art class.
Akko 2:44
Yeah, yeah. It was a very winwin weekend.
Tamo 2:47
Yeah, yeah. We'll have to do it again soon. Yes,
Tamo 2:50
yes. So in relationships, sometimes what you do naturally, what comes to you naturally doesn't necessarily jive well, or understood by your partner in the way you mean it? Right. So for someone in our case, when Akko would get annoyed at me, or needed to talk to resolve an issue, she would want to talk about it right now. Whereas for me, I needed a little bit of time, I needed time to kind of process it, Think it over so that I can respond in the best way I could, which in turn my natural method annoyed, aka, whereas Akos natural method annoyed me. And
Akko 3:27
so yeah, we needed to come to a happy middle. And so what we found that helped us is to ask how your partner wants to be acknowledged and soothe when they're triggered or annoyed in these ways in a triggered emotionally annoying, whatever feeling you're feeling that's unpleasant.
Tamo 3:44
And that can be sadness, anger, just anxiety. There's so many things. Yeah,
Akko 3:48
yeah. And so really, the biggest question is to ask your partner how they want to be acknowledged and how they want to be sued. So your partner really has to be on point as far as how they want to be sued.
Tamo 3:59
Right. So in another way, they have to be self aware of what they're eating, because I had just mentioned, it can be negative emotions. But this is also the case for positive emotions. Because sometimes if you're happy or joyful, yeah, maybe something that your partner says, may bring you down, right? But your partner is not necessarily trying to put you down, but maybe the words they use or maybe there's something that triggers you about that you have to know that you have to be self awareness to know that so that you can actually share that with your partner. Yeah. And before we get a little deeper into it, what I want to share is for me, and people like me, potentially in the past, a long, long, long time ago, I used to think that in relationships when you find that person and you know, for me a girlfriend and then when I marry that person, that there's no need to kind of work on a relationship and working on a relationship putting effort into the relationship was unsexy thing, right? But that was so so so so far from the truth and the more work that I put in, and when I say work, yes, it's not easy, but you can do it with love. But this work, the more work that I put in the better relationship that we started to have. And it just compounded right?
Akko 5:15
Oh, yeah. I mean, I thought that you were more committed. In the beginning, I was like, you're only giving 50% of your heart like, you need to give me 100%. Because I know this can take us somewhere. Right. So when you committed, it was a lot easier to do everything,
Tamo 5:30
right. And the more energy you put into it, just like anything else, for example, if you're learning to ride a bicycle, the more effort and energy you put into it, the better you get at writing, it can be that for learning a musical instrument, or even driving just like anything in life, the more effort and focused energy that you put in, you get that much out of it. And of course, it takes a little while for things to kick in. And but once that kicks in, things will get a lot more smoother and easier. And now Aqua and I we really understand each other. And sometimes it gets to a point where very little needs to be said can just be a look. And we can understand each other. Sometimes it may be just maybe even just a rub on the back. And you understand what that meant. And it also can also manifest in completing each other's sentences. Aqua is very perceptive about that. And she's always completing my sentences, and it's all good. And so the more work that you put in, you can get there. One other way that I kind of want to explain it is, for example, a jazz musician, they can add live, they can solo over a basic harmony or chords. And they can express themselves through the music without looking at the notes or looking at sheet music and things like that. Your relationship can get there too. It can get to a point where things are very inflow, it's very smooth. And of course, there's going to be little rocks and sometimes boulders along the way, but we can do it with a playful attitude. So we can still keep a smile, even during the tough times and understand each other and know like you mentioned, we're committed to each other to want the best for each other. And yeah, continue to grow each other and grow as individuals, right?
Akko 7:17
Yeah, I completely agree. That was a beautiful metaphor.
Tamo 7:20
So going back to knowing so there's two parts. One, you need to know how you would like to be sued or acknowledged and things like that, when certain you have certain emotions. And also, you need to know how your partner wants to be sued. So you have to know yourself, and then you get to know your partner even more. So it's a great learning experience for the both of you.
Akko 7:42
Yeah, a great opportunity to to get to know each other even better. So like Tamo was mentioning, this has to be detailed enough that we can reenact it, right. So what does that mean? For example, for me, one of my top two love language is touch and words. So I want to hear the words I love you. I'll always love you no matter what. And then him give me me a hug. So that's like affirmation of all sorts of the touch the words. And so I want that to happen. And just so that I feel that reassurance, and I feel that that I'm being loved and that it's okay, anything that happens beyond this is still going to be with me, it's just that reassurance.
Tamo 8:18
And like akko mentioned, it has to be detailed enough so that your partner knows the exact words they need to use the exact how to if it's touch, how did they touch you? Do they touch you on the shoulder? Do they give you a hug? Do they caress your back? What is it? How would they touch you in that situation? And for people whose acts of service, what kind of service would help in this situation? Right? If we're talking about the five love languages, and maybe if gifts are one of the top then in this situation, it might not be that easy, because then it wouldn't really work out if your partner is having to get you gifts with each argument, right? And the time lag is just too long. So it's not like okay, you're feeling this way. So I have to go out and drive or order on Amazon but a it's, it's still next day delivery. It's not like right now delivery, right? So it's not going to work. So you have to kind of be a lot more flexible in a certain sense. Oh, yeah. And going back to the detail. So knowing the words to say knowing what to do and then practicing now is the next
Akko 9:20
step. Yeah. Yeah. Practicing that. And even before practicing writing it down.
Tamo 9:25
Yes.
Akko 9:25
Yes. Writing every little detail, you need to remember for this dialogue to happen. So write it down what words need to be said how it needs to be said, like come on was mentioning where in the body do you need to be touched if you need to be touched, and then you practice it multiple times until your partner firmly believes that it's coming from a genuine place, and that they know that this is the way they will be soothed and that any conflict will be diffused.
Tamo 9:58
Yeah, and I also Want to introduce a little bit of flexibility here, right? So in the beginning, of course, it's going to be robotic. And that's fine. Why? Because you're practicing it. So let's say you write down step one, step two, step three, right? And then you're with your partner looking at that piece of paper and the steps he wrote down and you go through it. So you Reena act. And then if your partner is acting that out with you, at this moment, you have to be okay, you have to be very sensitive to it and take it seriously but lightly, right, so be encouraging of the work they're putting in. And then when you do it, your partner also needs to be understanding that, hey, you're putting effort in and respecting the work you're putting in. And again, it will be robotic, and then try it a couple of times, and then maybe even promising each other. Hey, if this happens in real life, next time, I will do this. And please support me like don't let anger or any other emotion override what they are doing.
Akko 10:54
Yeah. acknowledge their effort.
Tamo 10:56
Yeah. And so for example, let's say if UK was annoyed at me, whatever that emotion is, so let's say anger, because that's an easy one. So let's say she's angry at me. And then I go through those steps. Okay, so this is happening in real life. I go through the steps. And yes, she might still be angry. Of course, it's sometimes it's not that easy to switch ON or OFF emotion. Yeah. But she has to take that extra step effort to say, hey, you really did what we practice. Thank you so much. And that should really touch your heart. Exactly.
Akko 11:27
Yeah. So you have to see that effort. And you have to see, like Tom was mentioning, you have to be flexible. You have to both be the bigger person, right? Yeah. So not just one person has to be both of you guys. Because a one responding to that type of emotion needs to be that bigger person, because they're they're jumping in. And then the other person that's listening needs to accept and receive with a big heart.
Tamo 11:49
Right, exactly. Because, like aku was saying, the person who is trying to soothe trying to help out that person that is triggered, is the person that needs to open up. And they have to be a lot more vulnerable, because they are practicing something new, doing something that's not necessarily natural to them. And so you have to be so filled with gratitude that they're doing this for you, because you've actually taught them you gave them the instructions how to best work with you when you're in a triggered state. So in another sense, you should be filled with gratitude when that happens. And when you're filled with gratitude. It's very difficult to be in any other negative
Akko 12:27
state. Yeah, I mean, that anger gets diffused by that gratitude by that light.
Tamo 12:33
So again, you want to continue to practice this. And yeah, first time, it might be kind of weird. And that's fine. Yeah. If it's weird, it's fine. Yeah,
Akko 12:40
I practice them multiple times, right beginning so that it becomes second nature to you. And then when it really happens, yeah, like you were saying, you can use it, yes, it might be robotic, it's okay. It's okay. Not a big deal. Guys have to both accept that.
Tamo 12:53
Yeah. And also having a understanding with each other, that at the beginning, it's not going to be good, you know, it's going to require practice. And little by little, it's going to trend upward, things are going to be better and better and better. And so when I open up and vulnerable, and trying to help soothe you that you accept that too, and having that understanding with each other will probably also will add to the success rate.
Akko 13:18
Yeah, so we encourage everyone to use this technique, it really helped us.
Tamo 13:22
And when it becomes more and more second nature, then you can add a lot more of your own personality, then it gets really fun. Yeah, because So first, you know, just like riding a bicycle, you need training wheels, you take that off, and you're cycling, and there's many levels, and you can become a professional cyclist, right. So there's from not being allowed to ride a bike tricycle to professional cyclists. Just similar to that this is the same thing, where in the beginning, this is the training wheels. So put those on, do it for a couple of months, things get a little bit smoother. And then you can start to tweak a few things here in there. Yeah, you add your own personality to it. And you can more fully express yourself because you're starting to learn how your partner likes to be sued. So that Okay, so I'm going to do what my partner likes, and add my own personality, which makes it even more beautiful.
Akko 14:14
Yeah, yeah. 100%. And to add to that, what's more beautiful is sometimes you can even prevent a trigger from happening, because you catch that it's going to happen soon, ever before hits that threshold, and your partner won't even have to go through the intensity of that emotion.
Tamo 14:31
Yeah, yeah, that's great. So for those who's listening, we're talking about kind of the levels of how growth in this area of relationship happens. So we're talking about the training wheels to taking it off. And then what happens so what we mentioned is yes, he first practice these things get to know each other a lot more. And then ACO was mentioning once you start getting a hang of that, then you get to a point where you know what things trigger your partner and so you I don't want to say don't go there. But you know how tippy toe your way around without really making it bigger than it should be those triggers. Now since we're talking about it, I'm kind of getting excited because a really advanced level and yes, this is very much possible is you get to a point where you don't get triggered anymore. Yeah, yeah, you do so much work on yourself that you start to be able to see these emotions and let them kind of diffuse by itself that happens within you. So you don't actually need your partner to be like, Oh, are you okay? Or whatever the soothing mechanism that you need, is not even needed. You can self soothe. Yeah. And that's what we talk about when we talk about the relationship is fertile ground for you to personally grow. Because the more you can grow yourself, the more you can mature, the more you can see. And when I say See, see your thoughts, see your emotions, feel your emotions, but not be your emotions. If you can observe those things, then things really start shifting. Yeah. And it goes into super high gear.
Akko 16:00
Yeah. And that's a beautiful state that you can ever be in.
Tamo 16:03
Yes, definitely. And that's something that we want to continue to explore and see how far we can take that.
Akko 16:08
Yeah, absolutely. So try it out guys. And let us know how this tool worked for you guys.
Tamo 16:14
Yeah, we'd love to hear from you. Please comment on our YouTube channel by searching Yun Taka time. Till next time, please take care.
Akko 16:22
Bye.