Connecting with your children is vital. Showing them how much we care and love them is a must.  But have you ever thought of connecting during those dreadful tantrums? Have you ever tried give them more love while they’re screaming and crying? In this podcast, we talk about the importance of connection during these tantrums. Join us de let you in on a secret from tantrum to 
Tranquility. 

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TIMESTAMP:
►00:00 - Intro
►00:11 - What does Yuntaku mean? 
►00:37- TOPIC:  From Tantrum to Tranquility: Connection Is the Key from No-drama Discipline by Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson
►00:50 - Recent Happenings: Tamo has a consistent workout schedule and encouraging Akko to join
►02:29  - Brain consists of the upstairs and downstairs’ brain 
►03:15 -  Proactive vs Reactive Parenting 
►03:58- Why Connect to your Child first? 
►05:01- How do you connect? 4 step process

QUESTION: Do you have any methods for connection that work for you? 

MUSIC:
► Copyright Chillhop Music - https://chillhop.com

#tantrumtotraquility #nodramadiscipline #riseinlove #realizeyourtruenature

Podcast Transcription

The transcription below is provided for your convenience, please excuse any errors made by the automated service.

Episode 40

Tamo: This is episode 40. 

Akko: And the topic of the day is learning from the book. No drama, discipline. Connection is key. And before we get started, please take a quick moment to subscribe to our show. Now let's get back to our recent happening 

Tamo: Yeah.

For the recent happenings.

I've been having a consistent workout schedule. We have a rower at home, so we've been using that. And then also I've been doing some weightlifting. So to increase my strength and also, cardio, vascular health. And so I've been encouragingAkko to join because I feel a lot better. It makes such a difference to. just even 20, 30 minutes of you know, decent.

Cardio and weight training work. And I've been feeling so much better, at a lot more energy. 

 Just being more positive. like, so it affects your mental and your physical it's. It's great.

Akko: That's true. 

Tamo: So ive been wanting Akko To join.

Akko: Yeah. Yeah,i'm always wanting to do it. And then the kids stopped me.

And maybe that's just an excuse. So I will have to do better about that. And so. 

Hopefully, you know, by the next few more podcasts, I can just you guys 

know that hopefully I can do it consistently. So.

Tamo: Yeah, all good. You know with our children you running around in the garage and things it could be. that sometimes it can be dangerous. So, when you work out, I'll be there and take care of the kids. So let's have it work that way. 

Akko: works out.

Tamo: So the topic of the day is a learning from the book called no drama discipline.

And, the book is by Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson. And Akko has been reading this book. And if you can share some of the highlights that'd be great. 

Akko: Yeah. Yeah. So there's a particular chapter in the book. That's called tantrum to tranquility. Connection is key. So I just want to share really the main points to this chapter because I feel like it will make the biggest difference and it made the biggest difference. In our daughter. 

So, just to go over background information. That we should all know is that our brains are always changing. And is changeable. And it's complex. I mean, we all know that. And that. Our, brain consists of really three layers, but for simplicity reasons let's just say there is an upper brain and a lower brain or the downstair rate and the upstair brain. So the downstair rain Is called the Reptilian brain. And that's where all your emotions are. Your big emotions are, and you may have a hard time controlling or at least for, kids. And the upstairs brain, which is conceptual or the human brain. So that's a part of the brain where the logic and the complex thinking is involved in. 

So now that we went over the brain stuff, Let's go over. Most parenting techniques. So most parenting techniques are more reactive. And what happens is when they become more reactive, like, Hey, you did this, you did that bad. You need to stop. Go to your room you're on timeout or stuff like that. That activates actually the downstairs which is the reptilian brain. So that activates more of the downstairs brain and so that's why your child will react in the way they react. For example, tantrums crying. Kicking hitting, whatever it may be. That's all due to the downstair brain. However, something called a proactive parenting method is when parents connect and they redirect. So let's go over the connecting. so Why do we want to connect with our children first? So there's three really big reasons why we want to connect with our children first. 

As hard as it may seem, because you're probably in the heat of the moment. And you're just so upset that they're not listening to you is it's like why connect to your kids? But these are the reasons why you want connect to your child first, so connection moves a child from reactivity to receptivity. So that makes it so that your child will start to use their upper brain more than their lower brain downstairs brain. And another one is connection builds the brain. So it actually. Helps the brain, it grows a brain in a more positive way. the last one is. Connection deepens the relationship with the child and the parents. So. You as a parent will start to deepen that relationship because you're connecting to a child a little bit more and your child. Sorry.

our son wants to join us again so connection will deepen the relationship with your child so because your child feels, like they're being heard, they will more likely. Trust you more connect with you more. And have a better relationship with you presently and in the future. 

So here are some strategies as far as how to connect with your children. 

So first. Is. Communicating comfort. So this is more of the physical touch.

You want to them some tender loving care some hugs and kisses, make sure you're touching them. Make sure they feel that, they're being loved. So that's really number one, 

you want to hit their emotion. Do you want to make sure that they feel like, oh my gosh, mommy daddy loves me. And yes, again, it is very hard when they are the one that's. Let's say they're in thebad. They're not listening to you. They're throwing things. 

And as hard as it is, again, you have to try to connect with them by just giving them a hug. give them a kiss. Like mommy loves you so much. And show them that you love them. 

Number two, you want to validate their feelings, validate what they're going through validate their feelings key. You're not really validating their behavior, but you're validating their feelings. You're being more empathetic towards how they're feeling. And again, Notice I said.

 How they're feeling and not really how they're reacting. You're not really encouraging the behavior. You're encouraging. And you're validating that they can have feelings. So you can pretty much say, yeah, that really angered you. Huh? you feel really frustrated? Huh? I understand. Oh, you're really sad because, Your stuffed animal was taken away. I understand.

stuff like that. Can validate the child's feeling and they could feel more connected to you. 

And another one is. deepen that connectivity is to stop talking and listen. This kind of goes for the older children that can talk a lot more. 

Our daughter is able to do that. So I would say probably two and a half, three, and on so you want to stop talking and you want to listen, listen to whatever they need to say. Especially. as a parent, you tend to put words in their mouth sometimes but. You can just make sure that you're listening to them. You hold space for them. And lastly. You want to reflect what your child said? So this kind of goes for adults too, but you want to make sure that they know you understood them. So you can say. Oh, okay. So you were seeing that you were very frustrated and you were angered. That so-and-so took your toys. Okay. I understand. And you must've felt very angry. So stuff like that, you can pretty much verbatim use your words and then tell them what happened. Or you can rephrase whatever you wish. And, reflect to your child And restate what your child has said you.

So those are four strategies that you can use to connect with your kids pretty much in that order actually. So that can feel that deeper connection with them. And once they feel connected, You can start redirecting them. And you can let them know that, you understand you feel this way, but that behavior was not acceptable. that's when they'll start to listen to you because they feel connected to you, they feel heard. They feel like, I can listen to mommy and daddy and. 

 Activates again. The upstairs brain, the human brain, instead of activating the downstair brain which is the reptilian brain,which is the more primitive brain the more reactive brain. So I will go over what to do after you connect with your child. So I kind of went over it briefly, but you know, once you get connected with a child, you can go ahead then explain that that behavior was not acceptable. And you can get to the why, why these things happen because the why's are very important too. Why did this happen? Not just directly assume like, well, you did this because of this. You were probably feeling this way. You really want to hear them out. Understand why. but that behavior was not acceptable. And then you can redirect.

Tamo: Yeah, that's awesome. Thank you for sharing. 

Akko: Yeah. And this book also talks about how guilt. People might think, oh, I 

don't want my child to feel guilt, but there's something called a healthy, guilty

and that's okay. That's healthy when they feel bad for what they did. They have that face where they like look down and, you know, I did something bad. Have them feel it a little bit so that they feel like, okay. Yeah, I probably shouldn't do that again. And then redirect them once they feel that way by saying Hey, let's go outside to look at those birds. 

that makes sense. 

Tamo: Yeah. You're saying that you don't want to keep them, in that state, it's just Okay

Akko: That's not the whole point. I mean, the whole point is for them to kind of feel that.

but that's it. Just feel it for a brief moment. And then we direct them like, Hey, yeah, let's go outside. I'm like, look at those birds. let's go outside to ride the bicycle.

whatever it may be, but you want to redirect them. So that they're not in that state. 

Tamo: right right 

Akko: Yeah shame and guilt and that could affect a person psyche too. 

Right 

If they're in it for so long.

Tamo: Cool. 

Akko: Yeah. 

Just a little bit that I've, been learning and I really want to share a little bit more about 

The whole process, but I just wanted to let you know about the connection process first, because that is key to how this whole tantrum to tranquility will work. So stay tuned for the next episode. 

Tamo: And the question of the day is, do you have any methods for connection.

that worked for you. If, so we'd love to hear from you please come say hi and comment.

on the website by going to.AKKOANDTAMO.COM That's A K K O A N D T A M o.com. Alright. 

Akko: All right, bye.