How to create a win-win in an argument - Episode 10
Are you tired of continually getting into the same argument with your partner? Ever wish you would have fewer arguments with them? In this podcast, we talk about a method that has worked for us over the years. Our communications have improved ten folds with this method we call the "ally method". Join us as we share our story and how our relationship skyrocketed.
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TIMESTAMP:
►00:14 - What does Yuntaku mean?
►00:50 - Recent Happenings - Farmer's Market Eggs
►03:30 - TOPIC - How to Win-Win in an Argument
►06:21 - How we learned to become allies to fight miscommunications
►08:19 - Tip #1: Figure out what each other truly wants.
►11:35 - Side Tip: How to best talk to your partner
►14:39 - Tip #2: Setting aside ego and listen without judgement or shutting down. Fully opening your heart and mind to your partner.
►17:06 - Tip #3: Mindset of “We’re in it together”
QUESTION: Try out this method and let us know how it worked out for you.
MUSIC:
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Podcast Transcription
The transcription below is provided for your convenience, please excuse any errors made by the automated service.
Akko 0:00
You know, you want to be their ally. And so you have to you have to hear their perspective. You have to see where they're coming from. And sometimes that might hurt that might not make sense to you. And you're just like, what, but you need to set your ego aside because usually the ego is the one that's kind of No, that's not it. It's Yun duck time with Uncle and Tamo.
Tamo 0:17
What does Yuntaku mean? It's an Okinawan word from the islands of Okinawa, which means, chit chat. We want to invite you to our kitchen table, and include you in our chit chat to explore new ways of thinking, to welcome different perspectives.
Akko 0:35
And we want to share ideas and how to love yourself, love your partner, and shower your children with love.
Tamo 0:43
This is Episode 10.
Akko 0:45
And the topic of the day is how to win win in an argument.
Tamo 0:49
But before we get started, let's talk about our recent happenings. And recently, you've been going to a farmers market with our daughter.
Akko 0:57
Yeah, we've been going every week and actually buying eggs there. And this is something that I recently found out but because we used to always buy our eggs at Whole Foods, like Trader
Tamo 1:07
Joe's Trader Joe's,
Akko 1:09
yeah, organic pasture raised, and we're really into the whole dark yolk thing. And we never found eggs that were that dark,
Tamo 1:17
right? Yeah. Especially here in the States. When we traveled outside of the states, we've noticed that a lot of the eggs were golden. Yeah. Right, right. Yeah.
Akko 1:26
Yeah, actually, yeah, most of the countries, which is really interesting.
Tamo 1:30
And so through research, I've been finding out that chickens that are raised eating grains, corn, things like that, their yolks usually don't get as orange because they're not eating grass and things like that.
Akko 1:41
Yeah. So I was always walking past this, this booth that always sold eggs. And there was always a long line. And I was just wondering, like, wow, there's a long line, but it never really crossed my mind to buy eggs. Until a few weeks ago. I was like, You know what, let's give this a try. And so I bought it. And Dang, how was it? Whoa, whoa, yeah,
Tamo 2:00
I To this day, still don't know, believe it. I'm seeing how orange it is. But I'm in awe. It's crazy.
Akko 2:07
Yeah. Yeah, it's like orange. And the shell of the egg is even different. It's like much thinner. So it's super easy to crack. It's super orange. And I was asking them what kind of food they eat. And they were saying, Yeah, grass and bugs and organic greens. So yeah, so that's what this stuff did. So I was pleasantly surprised.
Tamo 2:29
Oh, yeah. And it's interesting, because we've tried so many eggs, right? We're we've always been looking for these orange yolk eggs that are really, you know, rich in nutrients and whatnot. But it's been hard. Yeah, we've tried pretty much all the different types of eggs at Whole Foods and Trader Joe's in many other markets. Yeah. And Farmers Market them.
Akko 2:49
Yeah. Nothing came close to it. Yeah. And I'm sure it's because it's super fresh to doesn't have to be refrigerated. Yeah. So it's awesome.
Tamo 2:57
That's another interesting thing, too. It's something that I noticed in traveling with you. Most countries don't necessarily put the eggs in refrigeration.
Akko 3:05
Yeah. It's interesting. Yeah, they don't. So even in Japan, they just kind of leave it out.
Tamo 3:09
Yeah, you found the golden egg. So yeah, yeah.
Akko 3:12
Super excited. So we've been going weekly to buy these eggs. Yeah,
Tamo 3:16
it's cool. And since our farmers markets outdoors, so you know, there's a lot less worries about things getting infected and whatnot compared to a store that has less ventilation. So yes,
Akko 3:26
yep. So that was a reason happenings. Cool. So yeah, let's get back to it. So the topic of the day is how to win win in an argument. So are you guys tired of continually getting into the same argument?
Tamo 3:39
Right with your
Akko 3:40
significant other, your partner, or even friends? parents?
Tamo 3:44
Exactly. And this definitely could extend out to friends and family too. And I want to share our story where when we first met, we got along great, right, and things were good. But of course, when two different people get together, there are bound to be disagreements, arguments and things like that, right? Because, I mean, we're not the same people we don't yet realize, right, exactly. And when things did come up for both of us, I usually tended to shut down and not really want to communicate much, you know, I needed my own time, whereas
Akko 4:13
Yeah, whereas I was super overbearing, I was like, let's talk about it right now. Or it's been like, two, three minutes, like, I'm ready to talk about everything now.
Tamo 4:21
Right? And while I'm here going, Oh, I need a few days. And you're like, no, yeah, I need it now.
Akko 4:28
And it was very hard for me in the beginning to understand that and accept that he needed a few days to process everything. Because I was always the one to just process it very quickly.
Tamo 4:38
And it seems like you were processing that's how you processed it right by talking about it right then and there missing it. Whereas for me, I was like, Okay, well give me a few days see. And then I would need to process it by myself alone. So that was a pretty big
Akko 4:53
Yeah, yeah, that was a pretty big thing where we had to really work things out and we needed to really peel the onion. Then just keep peeling just to see and dig deeper to see where this was really coming from. And that's, and that's what we're going to share with you today and how we did this. Yeah, yeah.
Tamo 5:09
And so just a little addition to our story is, little by little, we ended up meeting in the middle. Yeah. Now, you are totally okay with giving me a little bit more time to process if needed. And now I'm able to process in real time, just like with you, and depending on the situation, right. Some situations definitely require real time processing, whereas some other things, okay, you know, we can give it a few days and talk about it later, or just a few hours and checking back with me and things are okay, you know, it's not like we're angry at each other or anything like that. Yeah, that's where we've gotten. So we've gotten really far compared to when we first started. Yeah, from giving me a few minutes at most. And me meeting days, or a week at most. Yeah, yeah. Now I can do real time. And she can also be some time with me.
Akko 5:58
Yes. And I can wait, I just kind of tell him like, Hey, you know, I'm here for you. I'm ready to talk whenever you are. And then that's kind of how it is. And I wait, and it doesn't bother me at all. And anyway,
Tamo 6:08
so yeah. And also, depending on the situation, I can no give you updates, too, you know, like, Oh, yeah, you know, I'm still processing it or not. And that gives you a little bit more understanding
Akko 6:18
where I'm at. Yep, absolutely.
Tamo 6:20
Yeah. Yeah. All right. So what we want to do is now share some tips that we've come across, and some things that we've worked on to become allies to fight miscommunication instead of fighting each other. Because that's not the point. I mean, we're together because we make each other much better person can help each other grow. We love each other's company. And life is so much more with each other. So that's what we want to continue growing. And we don't want to fight each other right now. So we're here to share some tips of what we've done.
Akko 6:51
Yeah. So as Tamo was saying, there's this method, we call like the ally method where we take the situation or take the argument, and we actually team up as a team. And we see the argument as our I guess, enemy, for lack of better word. So we are in this together, and we're trying to uncover and figure out what's going on with the argument. We're fighting the argument and not each other.
Tamo 7:18
Right, right. And that's the difficult part. Usually, when I get into arguments, it becomes me versus you. But that actually escalates things. So instead, how you want to see it is that we're both on the same team. Of course, that's why we're together, right? Yep. And being on the same team and looking at the conflict or the issue as the third party and know you can see it as fighting it, or as you kind of mature, you can see it as Oh, it's just miscommunication. So where's the miscommunication? Let's figure that out. And that's kind of how we've been evolving. So for us in the beginning, it's like, okay, hey, we're having an argument. There's this issue, let's attack that issue. But little by little, we don't really even see it that way anymore. As we gotten better at this technique, or method. It happens naturally, though. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, where where is the issue?
Akko 8:08
Yeah, exactly. And we can be more honest about everything.
Tamo 8:11
So we want to share some tips with you on how we used the ally technique and, and how you can best use that ally technique.
Akko 8:19
So tip number one, so you need to figure out what each other truly wants. So let's break it down. You need to really be honest with yourself, what is it that you need, and it truly comes down to pretty much two things normally, in any argument or of any sort, it usually has to come down to I don't feel respected and I don't feel loved. So those are usually the two things that everything usually kind of comes down to, okay, you didn't do the laundry, or you didn't hug me like it comes down to you, you didn't love me. So a lot of the time for me it came down to you didn't love me. So that's kind of why it hurts you a little bit deeper. And so that's why you just have to keep digging and to see what the root cause is, and let your partner know what truly is bothering you. Because most of the time, it wasn't his intention to make you feel that way. Nor did he even cross his mind that you felt that way.
Tamo 9:08
So Right, right. And so even just doing that, that in itself can start breaking down the miscommunication. And it really also comes down to honesty, being honest with each other. And moreso being honest with yourself so that you can really go to the core, the foundational roots of why you're feeling a certain way and what it is that you're feeling mean, be honest with yourself and be okay that your partner's gonna take
Akko 9:32
whatever you're going to say, Oh, you have to trust your trust. You have
Tamo 9:37
to trust that your partner will receive your message in the best way possible.
Akko 9:41
Yes, yes. You just need to trust your partner that they're going to take it the best way possible.
Tamo 9:45
Right, exactly. And that really brings up a great point because more and more of the more you do this, you build up trust again and again. And of course we're human and we do make mistakes. So sometimes your partner can be in a really bad state, right? Maybe they're Have a bit depressed or angry, maybe there's stuff going on in their lives at work or family or friends or wherever it might be. And during those times, you're more likely to get into arguments, right. And so what you say, of course, when you say it, you have to make sure that you're speaking honestly. And that honesty doesn't necessarily mean blurting out the mean things or how you feel about them, or how you feel about them for something they did five years ago, things like that. It's not like that. But honestly, how you're feeling and not blaming, this is not blame. Yep. Right. You're you don't blame them. You don't point the finger at them. Just tell them, Hey, I'm feeling this way because of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yep. And preferably, beforehand, you talk about this kind of stuff. Okay, the next time we get into an argument, I will be honest with you, and this is how I want to approach it so that they already have a primer, or understanding that that's how things will improve going forward. Right? Doesn't that help?
Akko 10:54
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
Tamo 10:56
And also, after you share this with them, when you get into an argument, and honestly, tell your feelings to your partner, you also have to be okay with if they do respond negatively to you, you have to be okay with at least in the short term, be okay with Okay, this is just growing pains, right? So we can't just do it once and say, Oh, it's not working. Because it takes a long time, even for us. It took a couple of years.
Akko 11:21
Yeah. So you just have to keep working at it. And just keep tweaking it so that it works with you guys with you. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. You make it yours. Yeah.
Tamo 11:32
And COVID brings up a really good point. And so another side tip is you might want to ask your partner, hey, how can I best talk to you? When when you're angry or sad? Or when we get into argument? Because maybe there's trigger words that they don't like? Yeah, to a lot of people. It's calm down.
Akko 11:48
Yeah. Now as me, I'm like, I don't like to hear the word calm down. Yeah. And it's funny, because you know, a lot of people that's what comes to their mind. They want me to calm down, right? Calm down. Yeah. So that can be a trigger word. So you can always Yeah, you have to, you have to talk to them. Right? Like, what are some words that don't jive well with you? So and you need to really know yourself? And what can trigger you?
Tamo 12:09
Right, right. And so I think that's, that's a, it's a side tip, but a big side, make sure that you have a conversation with your partner before the argument happens. Because once the argument happens, and you're trying to do something different, if you're in a rage, or completely depressed or shut down, you're not going to be able to think about this. So just set it up beforehand, when you guys are both in a fantastic mood, go out for a day or whatever, go out for dinner or whatever, or even at home, have quiet a nice night together. Yeah, I just talked about it.
Akko 12:37
And if you feel yourself kind of getting really heated up, then just stop. I mean, it's not worth it. Because when you're heated up, you say things that you might not mean. And you can't really take back words that easily. Because when people hear those words that touches their heart, and it really it goes deep. And so rather than doing that, you should just stop and then just say, you know what, I'm going to just take a timeout.
Tamo 12:59
Yeah, I definitely agree, especially in the beginning stages. And as you start to mature and grow, then the interesting part is those blurting out of unnecessary things happen less, but you give your partner a lot more benefit of the doubt. And you try to start you start to look at things much more positively. Right. And so it ends up becoming better from both ends, you're less likely to blurt out stuff. Yes. And you're much more likely to see things positively. It's it's pretty amazing.
Akko 13:30
Yeah, yeah. So yeah, you bring up a very good point. So yeah, Tamo was saying, you know, you end up let's say you say something, you end up actually taking that word, you give them the benefit of the doubt. And you're just like, okay, and it doesn't affect you as much anymore.
Tamo 13:42
Yeah. And And not only that, if it's something that they said, and we usually call it verbal diarrhea, yeah, we do when maybe we're just in a bad mood or whatnot and say something, we're able to brush it off a little bit more, but we actually even more so take their word seriously without getting attached to it. What I mean by that is we especially if things were coming from a really good place, which most of the time it is now. I would say 99.9. And then. So we listen. So for example, we're just talking about, I think what annoys us, right? And you had told me that he leaving out the socks, I was getting a note. So I took that seriously. Hey, sorry, I got something that I wasn't aware of. And I made really big effort to make sure that that never happens. I
Akko 14:27
mean, it made a huge
Tamo 14:28
difference. And pretty much self corrected itself. And I hope that I don't do any longer. Yeah, so yeah, I think that's really pointed to
Akko 14:38
Yeah, I completely agree. And another tip, tip number two is I think we already kind of talked about it but setting aside ego and listening without judgment or shutting down. So like we were just saying right now you need to listen without any judgment. So if you have those Revo diarrhea, you just have to just listen and just give them the benefit of the doubt and don't shut down just because you're hearing things that you'd Don't want to hear, right. And you need to fully open your heart. And you need to fully open your heart and mind to your partner, because you want to be their ally, you know, you want to be their ally. So you have to, you have to hear their perspective, you have to see where they're coming from. And sometimes that might hurt that might not make sense to you. And you're just like, what, but you need to set your ego aside, because usually the ego is the one that's kind of No, that's not it. And you just need to set that aside, and you need to take their word seriously and with care, and really consider what they're saying. Yeah,
Tamo 15:29
yeah, definitely. And, of course, when it feels like an attack to you, from your partner, especially interesting, right how someone that you love and you care for, and you want to be with what they say can hurt you so much, right? But what we want to do is set aside all that ego and judgment, not shutting down, instead just being really open. And if you listen to them with an open heart, open mind that will diffuse in a lot of cases, not all cases, but a lot of cases, their anger or their outburst, whatever it might be. Yeah. And again, we're talking about situations that are not crazy, intense, right. And another thing that we both want to say is that there are going to be times especially when things are so heated, you just want to take some time, timeout, right
Akko 16:15
and just walk away from the situation. Yeah, because one person winning is another person losing and that's still a lose situation. So we want to create that win win situation. So Tamo, like you're saying, if it's that heated, then you just need to stop and walk away.
Tamo 16:30
Right. And the interesting part is, it may seem like someone wins and someone loses. But all those I think there are losses for both sides. That's kind of how I see it. If you both can't win together, I don't really know if that's true when right for anyone. Yeah, yeah. And not to say that you always have to come up with one solution that both of you are completely agreeable to, it's just really depends on the situation. So be very flexible. And then little by little, you'll see that your relationship communication and everything will start to really take off.
Akko 17:03
Yeah, I agree. I agree. I completely agree. And other last tip, and this is more of a mindset tip, we're in it together, like like you were saying, right now, we're in it together. So you want to make sure that you're fighting for the both of you guys, and not just one person.
Tamo 17:18
Right, right. And so figuring out what it is that's triggering the both of you. So it might be something that's triggering me. So for me to know that and then for you to also know what's triggering you, and then putting that onto the table and then discussing, okay, how can we resolve this and continuing to think, Hey, we're in this together, we're not against each other, we're in it together, right?
Akko 17:39
We're on the same team,
Tamo 17:40
right? Because that's exactly the thing, life in itself can be very difficult. But if you're fighting with the person you love the most. That makes it even more difficult, right? So you don't want to do that. You want to have your partner hand in hand together and walking on this journey we call life together. Yeah. And when you do that, it really becomes so beautiful.
Akko 18:02
And much easier, right? life becomes very easy.
Tamo 18:05
And even when it's difficult times, you can really help each other hope a lot better. And just have that warmth and love that you need.
Akko 18:14
Yeah, well said. Yeah, so it's that time so try out this method and let us know how it works for you.
Tamo 18:21
We'd love to hear from you. Please comment on our YouTube channel by searching Yuntaku time alright Till next time, take care.
Akko 18:29
Bye