How to Read your Partner's Heart - Episode 11

Want to know how to read your partner's heart? We'll let you in on a secret. It's actually as simple as doing a daily check in with your partner. By asking your partner how they're doing on the daily can help in many ways. It can help in checking in with your self as well as seeing how your partner is doing mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. This daily check in has helped our relationship the folds. Join us, as we talk about how and what we did for our daily check ins.

Please subscribe. We look forward to reading your comments.

TIMESTAMP:
►00:16 - What does Yuntaku mean?
►00:49 - Recent Happenings: Family Gathering
►01:55 - TOPIC: Checking in with your partner daily, so we can support each other
►02:30 - How are you doing physically? Emotionally? Mentally?
►07:13 - 4 levels of competence explanation
►10:33 - The importance of knowing your state and being able to check-in with yourself. “Know thyself”
►15:00 - Definition of trauma
►17:11 - Two Technique to Regulate Nervous System: Breathing & Scanning

QUESTION: How do you check in with your partner?

MUSIC:
► Copyright Chillhop Music - https://chillhop.com

Podcast Transcription

The transcription below is provided for your convenience, please excuse any errors made by the automated service.

Tamo 0:00

melt away and resolve. Yeah,

Akko 0:01

yeah, it's a surprising thing. You know, when people say that to you, or like, why does that make sense? Honestly, when you try it, and when you just kind of watch your emotions and just kind of let it flow through you, it really does just it used that time with Akko and Tamo.

Tamo 0:16

What does Yuntaku mean? It's an Okinawan word from the islands of Okinawa, which means, chitchat. We want to invite you to our kitchen table, and include you in our chit chat to explore new ways of thinking, to welcome different perspectives.

Akko 0:34

And we want to share ideas and how to love yourself, love your partner, and shower your children with love.

Tamo 0:42

This is Episode 11.

Akko 0:44

And the topicof the day is daily check ins with your partner. But before we get to that, let's talk about our recent happenings. So come on, you want to go ahead and

Tamo 0:53

sure our recent happenings was that my parents lost their pet dog, they really considered her as a daughter. And so it was a really painful experience. Yeah, you guys had a 15 year Yes, 15 and a half years, and now it's just the two of them at home. And because all the children have left, so yeah, we decided to get together at a park all the family to come out. And then my parents got to see their grandchildren play together. So it was a really nice time, we had a little outdoor kind of a picnic. And yeah, it was, it was a really nice time. And I'm sure that it really helped them heal and just process continue to process their grief. So yeah, I think it was a great time for them. I know, it was a great time for me. I was quite busy, just because reading after all the kids, making sure that they're not getting into trouble themselves, especially our daughter, you know, she's a she's a tornado. And so yeah, it was really fun. And I think the kids had a lot of fun. So it was really nice to all get together and have a great time. Yeah, yeah. So you had mentioned today's topic of the day is daily check ins with your partner. So start us off.

Akko 2:00

Yeah. So what kind of just brought us to this was, you know, checking in with our parents, and then we just started thinking that, yeah, you know, we always check in with ourselves, we always check in with our partners. And so we just wanted to talk about that, you know, checking in with their partner on the daily so that we can support each other the best way possible. And so what we usually do is we check in with ourselves first, just to make sure we're okay, there is no unsettling issues are energy that's kind of in our bodies still. So we deal with that first. And then we ask our partner, you know, how they're doing, how they're feeling everything, okay? emotionally and physically. And

Tamo 2:37

especially when you get to know your partner better and better. There are many times that you actually feel them more than they're aware of. So for example, one, I may be agitated and not really conscious of being agitated, but you would feel that, that I'm agitated and you're asked everything, okay, how you feeling? And then when that's asked, then I have a chance to kind of wake up from this unconsciousness and check in with myself and say, Oh, yeah, I actually am agitated, just being very honest with how we're feeling with each other. So yeah, you know, I am feeling a little agitated. I wonder why Ah, okay. It's because of blah, blah, blah, blah, and then that itself, the agitation really starts to melt away. And it can be that with any other emotion, it could be very positive emotions or negative emotions, it can be sadness, or whatever it is bringing that up and talking to each other about that really, is quite helpful.

Akko 3:29

Yeah, absolutely. And I guess it lets us know how to support you in the best way by asking you, okay, how can I support you, whatever you're feeling,

Tamo 3:37

right. And by asking that, it gets us, the person who's being asked. So for example, let's say that I have an aura of agitation. So I have an underlying kind of agitation for the day, or at that moment, and you ask me a everything, okay. And I kind of touch in with myself and say, yeah, you know, actually, I am agitated. And then by looking at it together, looking at it, oh, I am agitated. Oh, it's because of this. It really, again, like I mentioned, belts things away. So yeah, yeah, it helps support me because I get to clear and resolve the agitation, or whatever the emotion is, I have, yeah. And then you can bring that light to the agitation, right? So what if I'm feeling agitated? You'll look at it with your, let's say, call it light. You bring that into my darkness? Because I'm seeing darkness because I'm conscious to the agitation, and you'll bring your flashlight and flash it onto the agitation. Yes, I am agitated, gray and light again, melted away.

Akko 4:33

Yeah, yeah, I completely agree. And it really helps I feel supported when it happens. And I'm like, Okay. And sometimes, again, like you were saying, We are unconscious. And so sometimes when you're asked, Oh, are you okay? And sometimes they're asking because they're feeling something you can ask them. What kind of energy Am I giving out? You can ask them. Yeah. And then and sometimes you might just still be like, I don't know. Am I feeling this way like or I don't know. And you might just be on unconscious, the unconscious of how you're feeling. And so sometimes it's just better to, for lack of better word, let go and just say, You know what? Yeah, maybe I have to check in with myself a little more a little deeper, then you

Tamo 5:13

can always come back and say, Oh, yeah.

Akko 5:16

Or, you know, it could just be nothing, right? Yeah. Right. But it's always good to actually check back in with yourself just to make sure that you're not unconsciously unconscious of what you're going through.

Tamo 5:26

Right, right. Yeah. And this may be a little bit more advanced relationship ship skill. But for example, when we first start being asked that could trigger more agitation, right? So let's say you're agitated, always everything, okay? How you doing can agitate you more, or if you're sad, like, you just don't want to talk to them, you shut down. And that could be let's say, stage one, right? And then the more communication and trust you build with your partner, then you can just say, Oh, no, I'm not agitated. But then you kind of think about it a little. And you're Oh, you know what I actually was agitated, and being open enough to say, Hey, you know, actually, I was agitated. Thank you for bringing it up. Because then I was able to resolve that. Yeah, yeah. And then you're still unconscious about being unconscious, right? So you're still at this level, you're still unconscious of being unconscious to the feeling, whatever it is, and then you become a little bit more competent. So you go, Oh, I was unconscious. So you shed one layer of unconsciousness. And then the more work on yourself you do the more meditation, the more communication you have with your partner, then you can be like, Oh, I think I'm conscious right now you start to catch him sooner and sooner and sooner. Yeah. And then now, either we catch it ourselves. Or when you ask, we're already like, okay, I wonder why you're asking what is this? And then we can share with each other? Oh, it just because I feel like there's a little bit of anxiety, I feel a little anxiety from you. And you Oh, that's right. That's right. And then we can kind of discuss why that's happened. Yeah,

Akko 6:58

yeah, it opens up the conversation.

Tamo 7:01

And that's why I think aaco brought up a really great point when she said, unconsciously unconscious. And so what I've got was mentioning when she said unconsciously unconscious, in this situation, she was mentioning the four stages of competence. It's really a great model. And the four stages are, if we use the technical vocabulary, it's unconscious incompetence. First stage, second stage is conscious incompetence, then conscious competence, and then unconscious competence. So briefly, what that means is, in the beginning, you're so unconscious, you don't know that you're unconscious. So you don't know what you don't know. That's the first level, you don't know what you don't know. And the next stage from that is you're conscious about your incompetence. So you go, Oh, I know that I don't know. And then you can start to work on whatever it is, if it's playing tennis, you get to really learn each fundamental steps of tennis, then you go into conscious competence, you know what, you know, because you've been practicing it, and then you're able to kind of demonstrate that skills. Also, for example, if it's tennis, you're showing swings in the proper form. And then once you've continued to practice that, it becomes unconscious competence. What does that mean? You practice so much, it's second nature, things happen naturally. And for awkward and I, that's where we're trying to go with figuring out where we're at in terms of checking in with ourselves, we're awake to our emotional state, or physical state, what's going on in our minds, so that when we check in with each other, things are a lot more smooth and oh, that's what's going on?

Akko 8:39

Yeah, yeah. Cuz a lot of times I can be very emotional. The females have hormones that it's kind of hard to control. So then sometimes I have to think, am I just being hormonal? Am I just being emotional, and I have to check in with myself because sometimes that can play a factor and not necessarily a good factor that plays in it's usually a negative thing when that plays a role when emotion or hormones plays a role. So I would have to check in Okay, it might mean hormonal, maybe an emotional and then I just have to always check in just so that I know whether the emotion that I'm feeling is coming from the right place, or I know where it's coming

Tamo 9:10

from. And that itself can really resolve a lot of the emotions. Yeah, and even guys, we can be very moody. I know guys that are are very moody. But using the same principle of checking in with yourself, okay. Oh, okay. I'm feeling this right now. And then you're kind of watching that feeling. It really resolves it. So this is a great method. Just watch and feel it and don't don't fight that feeling. So yeah, for example. Yeah, if I'm feeling agitated, I don't fight the agitation. Oh, I shouldn't feel agitated or I can't feel agitated. That's wrong. Don't think like that. Instead, you're like, Okay, I'm agitated. Oh, I'm agitated. I'm agitated. Okay. I'm watching it. I'm still agitate. Okay. Okay. You're just watching it. And then it starts to melt away and result. Yeah,

Akko 9:53

yeah. It's a surprising thing. You know, when people say that to you, or like what doesn't make sense? Honestly, when you try it and when you just kind of watch your emotions and just kind of let it flow through you, it really does just dissolve on its own

Tamo 10:05

right. And the beauty of it is, you are able to resolve that emotion sooner, it passes by sooner passes through faster. And also it leaves a lot less kind of residue.

Akko 10:19

Yeah, yeah, that's true. Because that residue can turn into some type of trauma, and that could pop up in the future. And so always resolving your emotions is very important when it comes to your life.

Tamo 10:32

Yeah, and so that's why it's so important to know your state and being able to check in with yourself. And for me, I really like the quote, Know thyself. And by knowing thyself, then the communication that I can have with you with others, really improve and continue to improve. Because if I'm in a negative state, let's say, I'm frustrated, or maybe I'm anxious, if I can catch myself being that, then I can say, oh, okay, maybe I need to take a quick timeout for myself. Let me watch this a little bit. And then I can begin communicating with your, you know, talking with you and things like Yeah, yeah. And we get to the point now, where I will tell you during the conversation, Oh, actually, I am feeling a little agitated. So, and then I do say, Hey, I'm a little agitated. And then you can take that information and say, Okay, all right, I understand that. You can respond accordingly. And you can support me through that. And it's absolutely,

Akko 11:28

yeah, yeah, absolutely. So yeah, you really just need to know what you're feeling and know how to support each other. Yeah. And it just really helps that you just owning what you're feeling.

Tamo 11:40

Yeah. And you've also mentioned something that you've learned in the parenting class, right?

Akko 11:44

Yeah, yeah. So this can even be done in parenting. Usually, for younger children, they don't know how to regulate their nervous system. And so what happens is, whatever they're feeling, it just comes out. There's no filters, it just blurts out, and the parents are the ones that are supposed to really regulate their nervous system. What I mean by nervous system is regular their emotions, regulate whatever they're going through, you need to help them cope with whatever emotions that are going through. So you're pretty much modeling what you want them to learn. And they, as you grow, older, hope that they can learn from that, and they can do what you are modeling. But there was a parent of an eight year old, and she was talking about how there is a bedtime routine Where should usually only take 15 minutes, but it was just taken an hour. And this mother had mentioned that she was always so busy. So throughout the day, there's only maybe 15 minutes that she has with the daughter. And she was just saying, there's really no time for herself only time for mama time is only 15 minutes in the morning. And then throughout the day, there's like maybe 15 minutes for her daughter. And then the rest is pretty much work. And so this bedtime that was supposed to be 15 minutes, the daughter somehow prolongs it so that it's an hour. And at that time, the mom is frustrated, she's like, you just need to go to sleep now. And then she's frustrated that emotion comes out, she's more angered. And so she was asking our instructor, you know what she can do and, and interestingly, our instructor said, you need to meditate. And her definition of a meditation is you need to know how to check in with herself. So she was explaining our instructor was explaining to us how every morning what she does, before she even gets out of bed before she says hi to anyone she checks in with herself, she scans her body to see if there's any emotions or any energy that are lingering. And she clears it up before she could even see anyone. And so and she does actually, if eight to 10 times a day, she does it before she talks to a client before any kind of event that she is going to go to or whenever she feels she scans her body. And so she was offering that advice to this parent and saying, I know you only have 15 minutes in the morning, and that 15 minutes that you have for yourself is reserved for exercise. But she says it's actually much more important for you to try to scan your body. And it won't take that long, she was saying in the beginning takes a little bit longer. But as soon as you get used to it, it can just be a two to three minute thing where you scan your body and really know what type of feeling or feeling, you can just dissipate it. And so that's what she was saying. And she was also saying that whatever emotion they're feeling, it transfers into the child and the child takes that emotion and doesn't know how to regulate it themselves. And so they start to make a story in their head blaming themselves for making mom feel this way. And that creates a little bit of a trauma. And that's never good for the child. So bottom line, she was pretty much saying you need to know how to check in with yourself and really know how to deal with your emotions. So meditation is key when it comes to regulating your nervous system regulating your emotions. And so she was suggesting that to all parents, whether you have only five minutes, or whether you have an hour, whatever time you have, you should allot it to that meditation because it's that

Tamo 14:54

important. Oh, that's great. That's great. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for sharing and one thing that I want to share for our listeners is We use the word trauma here and there. But the definition of trauma that we currently have is trauma is something that has happened to us that shouldn't have happened or something that should have happened. But didn't that second one is something that people usually don't think about. So again, it's something that has happened to us that shouldn't have happened. Okay, that's trauma or something that should have happened, but didn't happen. And I think that's a really big one during childhood. So for example, like you mentioned, maybe that eight year old child is looking for more love from the mother, maybe it's focused attention just know being with the child. Yes, yes, maybe he or she is not getting that. And so that could also be trauma, because she should be getting that. And of course, I don't like to use the word should, but in the mind of the child, they're needing you, they need that, but they're not getting it. And so that's why when they act out, it can be a sign that Hey, Mom, I'm needing you, or you're not hearing me, so I'm gonna have to scream loud or or do something weird, something that will attract your attention. So I can get that attention.

Akko 16:12

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You made a great point. And it really comes down to your child needing you and your child will usually let you know what they need when they're younger. And it comes out in bursts of emotions if if it's not given to them.

Tamo 16:27

Right, right. And so again, as parents, we want to be very keen on what the child is wanting and just kind of being observant, they don't speak yet, then just kind of be observant on what they're asking for. And if they speak, have a conversation with them.

Akko 16:42

Yeah. And so again, really, the point that we wanted to make is that checking in with yourself, scanning your body is very important. And you can even try this with their little one, if you have a toddler or whatnot. And they don't really know what they're going through, you actually let them know, I know you're frustrated, you know, it's okay to be frustrated. Mama is here for you, you can do that, you know, throughout the day, whatever emotions they're feeling, and you're modeling that for them. And you're regulating their system, their nervous system by doing that.

Tamo 17:11

And you bring up a good point D regulating the nervous system. So let's share with our listeners two techniques to regulate the nervous system, the one and the first one, the best one is breathing, right? taking deep breaths. And a good one is when you take deep breath, for example, for breathing, what you want to do is exhale twice as long as the inhale. So if you inhale for a count of three, exhale for a count of six. Let's actually try that. Yeah. All right, if you're driving, keep your eyes open. But if you're sitting down or doing something that's safe, please close your eyes. And then we will start so close your eyes. And read in two, three, and then we'll be exhaling 23456. And then we'll inhale, two, three, and then exhale. 234561 more time, inhale, two, three, exhale, 2345, ads, six. And that is a fantastic way to regulate yourself by breathing. And this can be done anytime when you're even listening to someone speak. Or it can be when you're going out for a walk when you're working anytime this can be used. So it's a really fantastic technique to regulate your body. The second one, like you mentioned, is scanning your body for emotions, because emotions do appear in the body. Right? So it's, it might be tension or pain or any type of feeling within the body. So you want to localize that figure out where that is, and just watch it. And so those are the two methods you can use in order to regulate your nervous system. Yeah,

Akko 19:21

well said. So just to piggyback off of the second technique of scanning your body and seeing where your emotions appear, your emotions, whether it's anger, whether it's happiness, whether it's sadness, it appears like you were saying somewhere in your body. And for some people, anger can be in your throat, like for me, it's in my throat and my chest area. And a lot of my emotions are usually around that area. But for some people, it could be elsewhere. It can be more in the solar plexus. So you would have to know where your emotions come from, so that you can check in with that specific area to see if you're actually feeling anything.

Tamo 19:56

Yeah. Thank you so much for bringing that up. That's a great one, and I'm going to pick you up Knock on that piggyback and for example, myself when I'm stressed out appears on my right shoulder. Really interesting. That's the trapezius muscle but that's where appear so I'm always constantly letting it go relaxing that area so that I don't carry tension there. And so it's going to be your job to kind of figure out a little by little when emotions come up, you take note of it, okay? Oh, I'm feeling angry. Oh, this is what anger feels like or this is what sadness feels like, or this is what I'm happy. I feel this way. And you really start cataloging your own body and emotions.

Akko 20:33

Yeah, you really do. So I invite everyone to scan their body and to take a few minutes to scan your body. Close your eyes while taking three deep breaths or

Tamo 20:42

more. Yep. And so we have a question for you. How do you check in with your partner

Akko 20:47

we'd love to hear from you. Please comment on our YouTube channel by searching Yuntaku time

Tamo 20:52

alright Till next time, take care.

Akko 20:54

Bye