How to Support Your Partner through Life Change - Episode 20
Changing who you are is a difficult process and having someone close to you fully support your efforts can be the difference-maker. Fully supporting your partner means having he/her feel safe and secure when going through changes. When missteps happen along the way of change, it's important that you as a partner be loving, non-judgmental, and accepting. Join us as we dive deep and learn about how to support your partner through change.
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TIMESTAMP:
►00:12 - What does Yuntaku mean?
►00:52 - Recent Happenings: Voting: How we spent hours researching.
►02:52 - TOPIC: How to support your partner through change
►04:23 - How to provide loving support
►07:20 - Hold the vision for your partner
►09:41 - Have your partner share
►13:21 - Curbing your triggers
►15:25 - Open up time for deep conversations
QUESTION: What kind of change do you want to make?
MUSIC:
► Copyright Chillhop Music - https://chillhop.com
#relationshipgoals #consciouscouple #riseinlove #realizeyourtruenature
Podcast Transcription
The transcription below is provided for your convenience, please excuse any errors made by the automated service.
Tamo 0:00
The less judgment you have towards things, the more equanimous you can be.
Akko 0:04
And actually, the better feedback you
Tamo 0:05
can actually give and get to.
Akko 0:07
Yeah, yeah, it's yuntaku time with Akko and Tamo.
Tamo 0:12
What does Yuntaku mean? It's an Okinawan word from the islands of Okinawa, which means we want to invite you to our kitchen table, and include you in our chit chat, to explore new ways of thinking, to welcome different perspectives.
Akko 0:30
And we want to share ideas and how to love yourself, love your partner, and shower your children with love. This is Episode 20. And the topic of the day is how to support your partner through change.
Tamo 0:44
Before we get started, please take a quick moment to subscribe to our show. Now, let's get back to it.
Akko 0:51
So our recent happenings, we wanted to talk about voting,
Tamo 0:54
it really seems like this year this time around a lot more people have voted and or voting and a lot more energy has been put into Oh, yeah,
Akko 1:02
a lot more people that are more visible as far as the better vote supporting the act of voting a lot more.
Tamo 1:09
And even for us, we take in probably about 20 to 30 hours. Research time. Yeah, we've gone through each of them, and just really took our time to understand what we're voting for. And making sure that it is in line with what we believe.
Tamo 1:26
And our values. Right, right. And also doing extra research who's funding these propositions and other research like that? So yeah, we went pretty deep with this one.
Akko 1:34
Yeah, we did read it. Yeah, we spent like, like Tamo was saying 20 to 30 hours researching all the pros and cons, the rebuttals of the pros and cons. Just because yeah, just because if you just read a paragraph, it sounds like a great Pro, possibly. But then if you actually read the cons, they're just like, actually, right? And you know, all just the deeper stuff that you never even thought of all comes out. So, yeah, so we just did our due diligence. And we really researched what we voted for. Yeah,
Tamo 2:03
and we took many nights just discussing that also allowed us to get to know each other more. And it was actually enjoyable, because we did research and what acquah research, she might have found something different. And there are votes that I changed my mind on because of what she's found. And
Akko 2:21
vice versa.
Tamo 2:23
And so yeah, I think that was a really great chance to do our civic duty. Not only that, to make the best decision that we could and you know, these propositions sometimes it's like, Ah, you know, there's certain things that are in it that you don't really agree with, but there are other parts that you agree with. And it's it's not easy once you get into a deeper and deeper. So yeah, it was a challenge. But we've done it together. And it was fun. So yeah, for those listening, voting day would have passed, but we hope that you are able to cast your vote. Mm hmm.
Akko 2:52
So let's get back to it. So the topic of the day was how to support your
Tamo 2:56
partner through change. And changing who you are is a very difficult process. And having someone close to you fully support your efforts can really make the difference, even if you don't necessarily succeed in what you are trying to make change on. Because if you don't succeed, let's say you fail, there's always different ways to do it. So you can continue to just never give up on making a positive change for yourself. And even in the beginning, when I first met Akko, we're getting to know each other, I was already always moving towards making positive change for myself, whether it's letting go of things or, or trying to learn a new skill or changing how I thought of things, or opening my heart, whatever it was, I was always trying to make these changes. And for myself, having Akko support me really made the difficult times a little less difficult. And because of that gives me more freedom to look for the next positive change that I want to make I share that with a goal and share with her why I want to make that change. And not only that, I also share how it could potentially affect her how I need support from her. And she's always there to help you out. And she's always there to support with a smile and warm hug. And so with that, we want to share some tips on how to support your partner through change. And so Akko, can you share with us some way what you do?
Akko 4:25
Yes. So when Tamo is working on making a change, one of the things I do is just really support him lovingly give him a lot of love. And, you know, there's missteps along the way of the change. So you know, be the hand that he can hold, you know, be the hand that that pushes him forward, and then be the hand that stand side by side with him so that you can be there for him at 100% whatever he's going through no judgment. They just kind of support him through it. And if he needs feedback, you give him honest feedback. And that I think is the most valuable thing that you can do. When someone He's going through a change. So
Tamo 5:01
of course, you've been an awesome supporter of me through change what I want to make changes small for bigger, you've always supported me, could you share with us how you think about supporting?
Akko 5:12
Yeah, so how I think about supporting you is by providing you a lot of loving support. So I'm always there to provide the hand that need to hold, I'm there to push, if you need a little more push, or nudge or anything that gets you over the hump, really just being there for you, and listening to you, and really understanding where they're coming from. And if you need any feedback, giving that honest feedback is the most valuable thing and the most loving thing that you can do for your partner. And that's how I usually support Tamo, when he's going through these changes.
Tamo 5:46
And when you provide support, it's not necessarily that you always have to do something, but it's sometimes just sitting there listening. And maybe that is a doing too, by just listening to me kind of going through things that are difficult or whatnot. And that itself is support, just just being there listening, sometimes I do need feedback. And those times I asked for feedback, and Hey, what do you think? And that's a really big thing that you mentioned asking for feedback. I'm always consistently asking you, Hey, what do you think of this? What do you think of that? Because I know that you have certain viewpoints, certain perspectives that I don't have, and you bring light to that different perspective. And through that, I can say, Okay, well, that's a different way of thinking about it. And then I can start incorporating that type of thinking along with mine, and kind of balancing it to the situation. And then from there, I can take that next step towards change. And so for me that support is, has been invaluable. Yeah, thank you, thank
Akko 6:46
you. And likewise, I mean, when I'm going through some changes, Tom was always there to guide me to be there for me in any way I need in a very loving way. And it really helps when you know, you yourself are trying to make the change, because changing is a very difficult process. I mean, imagine stepping out of your comfort zone and doing something completely new. I mean, everything so foreign to you. And having that familiar person with you that loving support really helps you get through this change that you're trying to make.
Tamo 7:18
Yeah, I think that's a great point. And another maybe more important point is when your partner is trying to make change, you have to hold that vision for them also.
Akko 7:28
Yeah, yeah, you have to believe in them. If they're not believing in themselves, you have to be that person to hold their vision for them.
Tamo 7:36
And what we mean by that is sometimes, let's say you're trying to lose weight, and you know, you've been exercising and you think that you're eating less, but you still haven't lost that weight. You're trying so hard, and it gets demotivated and you look at the scale, and you go, Oh, boy, I did so much and it still hasn't changed. Those are the times that you know, your partner can come in and say, Hey, I see the scale going down, you know, you got this, and just being able to support through those difficult times is
Akko 8:06
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So you know, holding the vision, and just really believing in them, is probably the number one thing that you can do.
Tamo 8:13
Yeah. And another one that I want to bring up is kind of the shadow aspect, which is you have to be as a partner. So according change, you have to first of all see a new vision for your partner. So if it's, again, losing weight, you have to envision your partner already with the weight loss. And you know, they're looking great, they're feeling happy, things like that. And another point that I want to mention, which is can be a shadow aspect of it, because it's not as obvious, but you have to be okay with your partner changing, right? So if you're looking at your partner a certain way, and that's the only way you can see your partner, it's more difficult for your partner to change. Because if you're not okay with your partner changing, you might actually become an anchor. Yeah. So for example, your partner is trying to make some changes losing weight, and then you're like, Okay, hey, let's go out to eat, let's go out to eat, or let's, you know, continue the same type of habits because habits have to change. Yeah, in order to make change. So you have to also make certain changes to support your partner make positive change, and through that positive change, then they can also bring that back into the relationship and the relationship can grow so that you can also make positive change. So really positive cycle.
Akko 9:30
Yeah, it really is. It's just a lot of bouncing back and forth in a very positive way. You're kind of reflecting this positive change, bouncing it back and forth in a really good way. So very good point.
Tamo 9:41
So cool. How about if I come to you and tell you, I want to make this positive change, I want to start exercising more, or whatever it is. So I tell you this, and then I tell you with this, I can have more energy, whatever it is share the vision with you, right? And then I'm working on it. I keep failing. And I come to you, what would you say?
Akko 10:02
So first of all, I think I would just thank you for even sharing, sharing your failures, sharing what's on your mind, because it actually does take courage to even be vulnerable with your partner. So I think I would first of all, thank you. And at the same time, just be grateful and be economist. So what's the quantum is again, staying calm, like a completely still Lake,
Tamo 10:23
a still lake that is so still that it becomes a mirror?
Akko 10:27
Yeah. And so be economists don't judge instead, just be warm, loving and accepting. So that's the best thing that you really can do when your partner is coming to you for support as far as what they're going through. And so that's what are yours that Yeah, yeah, the feelers that they're going through. So when Tamo comes to me, that's what usually what I do, I just really listen, to give him a lot of attention, a lot of love, no judgment, and I try to help him out and support him as much as possible. Yeah. And
Tamo 10:59
I think that is one of the interesting parts when it comes to making change. And a lot of the times, I'm just going to speak for myself, if I have a goal, and if I keep missing it, then the mind can start saying things like, I'm just not cut out for it. Or maybe this is not something for me or whatnot. And just the mind starts to play some interesting games. And when I share the failures with Akko, she can continue to hold that vision of the change that I want to make. But not only that, she can provide awareness to what I'm going through. So by her listening without judgment, and being okay with what I'm going through completely, okay. And this is not an act, it really comes from her depth. And so and so I feel that and I can also stay calm and economist in this failure situation. And then from that, I can place awareness to kind of what my mind is doing. So I can see that hey, okay, the My mind is starting to drift off into negative territory, right, starting to think about negative things and things like that. And so I can reflect that back to me. And I can start catching that and then make changes based on what I'm understanding. And I can throw a few words of encouragement, things like that really helped.
Akko 12:20
Yeah, yeah, kind of, you know, the mind is so powerful, whenever trying to make changes, like you were saying, you tend to think negatively sometimes. So what I can do is to bring you back to the positive side. And that's what you should do when you're trying to make changes, because why would you want to be negative to your person that's trying to change when you're trying to be supportive, if that means they're not supportive?
Tamo 12:41
Right. And I think that's part of the teamwork, right? Yeah, it is teamwork. And of course, change is possible by yourself. But hey, when you have someone by your side, committed to your growth, two, things are that much easier.
Akko 12:56
Yeah, much easier. So for example, like intermittent fasting, like we talked in a prior podcast, we're talking about intermittent fasting, and had I not done it with Tom, well, I don't know if I would have succeeded, because I'm very into eating and very much into my junk food, sweets. And so yeah, I don't know, if I would have succeeded enough, had I not had his support by actually even doing it with me. Right, right.
Tamo 13:20
And so that then leads us into the next point that we want to make, and that's curbing your triggers, right? And so when your partner comes to you wants to make the change, and then you see your partner failing, and maybe your partner is sharing that they're feeling for certain reasons or whatnot. And when your partner is sharing that if the time and the situation is right, you can always ask, have you tried this? Or why do you think that is, right? But earlier and making change, it can be a sensitive topic. So depending on your partner, and your dynamic with your partner, you may need to be a little bit more tactful in how you're asking these questions. So I just wanted to throw that out there. And the more you do it with your partner, the more trust you build, the more honest you get with each other. That usually starts to fall away and fade away, dissipate. And any question becomes just a question. And, again, there's a lot less triggers. Yeah, that happened between us. So curbing your triggers. And we've also talked about this in previous podcasts, too. But when you are triggered, that means there's something within you that is getting triggered. Yeah. Right. So if something is being triggered, that's a great opportunity to reflect that back to yourself and become aware of your trigger points. And if you want to go for bonus points, you can always kind of figure out why do I have that trigger point, but just looking at that trigger point, not saying it's good or bad, but just equanimously looking at it, knowing that you have it and each time it comes up letting it go, consciously letting it go. So thinking about it, hey, I was triggered. I felt angry. or sad, or whatever the emotion was, you name it, feel it, name it, and don't try to hide it or fight it instead, let it travel through you. So it's okay. It's completely okay when you get triggered. It's also a fantastic time to, again, reflect back and to let go so that more and more you go through this, the less you'll get triggered. So that's another thing that you want to try.
Akko 15:23
great point. And then another point that we wanted to make is to open up time for deep conversation. So be available for your partner so that your partner can share what they're going through, what does that mean? Have an interrupted time. So this pretty much means no screen time, just undivided attention to your partner so that they can speak to you and you can listen and support them in the best way possible? Because after all, if you don't ask, and if you're not having these deep conversations, you might not know what they're really going through. And something really deep and vulnerable will be going on inside, especially during these changes. And without these deep conversations. It won't unfold.
Tamo 16:04
Yeah, I think that's a really great point. And I kind of want to put it in this way. So when we say deep conversations, things are deep, when things are deep, you have to dig to reach depth, right? And if you don't have time, that is uninterrupted time, without distractions, yeah, then it's impossible to go deep. Because as we sit together and begin conversating, it starts shallow, how's your day to day? How was work? How's blah, blah, blah, if you have children, how is the children blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all those things have to be dug up until you reach the more deep, deeper points, what you're going through. So I think that's a great point that uncle brought up again, in order to get to the deep conversations, the shallow portions of what we're thinking about have to already be expressed. So Exactly,
Akko 16:53
exactly. So I invite everyone to have these deep conversations with their partner. We usually have our deep conversations after our daughter goes to sleep, or all our daughter's going to sleep. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And it works out. Like while she's trying to go to sleep, we still talk to each other. And sometime it serenades her.
Tamo 17:10
Right, right. And that's an interesting one, because for us, our daughter, she really needs a lot of help getting to bed. So we both go into bed. And while she's going to bed, we're actually just talking to each other. And it's really funny, because she's actually okay with us. Yeah, talking.
Akko 17:27
Yeah, that's really funny. So it works out like we're having our deep conversation, and she's going to sleep. So it really works out. Kind of killing two birds with one stone kind of type of deal.
Tamo 17:37
Right? And she always lets us know if it's too much. He'll be like, hey, enough.
Akko 17:42
Yeah, exactly. So I guess it depends on her mood. But most of the time, it's it works. Oh, yeah. It works out. Sometimes. She's annoyed.
Tamo 17:51
But definitely, most of the times, it's totally, yeah, she's totally happy with it. Yeah. So yeah. So for you, you always want to get creative. You might want to find the time sometime else. Maybe it's in the mornings. Yeah. But for us, usually nighttime works better just because we've gone through the whole day. And we're ready to kind of slow down and just let go of the day. Right.
Akko 18:14
Yeah. And just have a relaxing conversation. Yeah.
Tamo 18:17
And that also helps process what's gone through the day. And it might even promote better sleep too, just because of what you've been thinking of. Yeah.
Akko 18:26
Yeah. Like unravel everything that you were thinking about. Yeah. And any negativity, if you have any negativity, any misunderstandings that could have happened during the day that wasn't addressed, at that time could be addressed. So I think it's a great way to unwind,
Tamo 18:42
like you were saying, Yeah, and regarding this point, Akko definitely helps me a lot with processing through work, you know, the things that are difficult that I went through work or going through, she always gives me time to kind of share what's going on. And she always gives me a different perspective. And by the end of the day, or by bedtime, it really helps me be in a lot more calm, more economists state and same for a girl when she has work comes home, she can let everything go and share everything with me. And
Akko 19:11
yeah, and it really helps. I mean, having someone to be able to talk to about what happens at work. It's because it can be very stressful at work. So just having Tom will just listen to give me his feedback, whatnot. Whatever happened, it really helps us I guess, closure of any situation if there needs to be closure. But yeah, it really helps with kind of getting through that emotion.
Tamo 19:33
And again, even these conversations, you want to listen to it without judgment, just really open yourself up to listen. Yeah, right, exactly. And so think about it as a practice for listening. Just you're sitting there, you're there, you're completely present, and you're looking them in the eyes or just your body's present. Your mind is present. Your heart is present. Just your attention is on your partner. Yeah. So you know We've been talking about listening without judgment. And we want to clarify what that doesn't mean. And it doesn't mean that you're listening. Even if you disagree. You're just listening sitting there and listening and, and agreeing. Right? Right, right. That's not what it means. But what it means is you are listening and conversating in a very common economist way, like we are right now. And for that, the reason is, is because when you're in a calm state, when your body is in a calm state, you're able to be your best self, right? So if you're starting to get worked up and triggered with what your partner is saying, then you start to see red and your emotions take over, and you're not going to be able to bring your best self out. Yeah, yeah, the more calm you can stay, the less judgment you have towards things, the more economists you can be.
Akko 20:52
And actually, the better feedback you
Tamo 20:54
can actually give. Yeah, yeah. And get to
Akko 20:57
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Tamo 20:59
So those are the points that you can use to support your partner through change. And if you're going through change, if you're wanting to make change, share this with your partner, have them understand how they can support you best through these changes. And so again, you want to make sure you understand that changing is a very difficult process. And it's something that has to change inside your partner and yourself to see these changes.
Akko 21:23
Yeah, and something I just want to add is, so you're trying to change, and let's say your partner is not giving you the support that you need, you have to let them know how you want to be supported, you will need to tell them exactly how you want to hear it if it needs to be in a very specific way.
Tamo 21:40
And yeah, and that's a really great point by uncle what I want to say about that. Also, in addition to that is you might think, oh, that person should already know that. But you know, it's because they don't, or have forgotten, or maybe they're just not aware enough. And that's why you need to continue to remind them until they really get it and not in a nagging way. But really just getting to the meat of things, and really explaining what you need how you need support. And sometimes you have to get it down to a step by step by step. I needed this way, this way, this way, so that I'll feel this way so that this happens exactly. And don't get frustrated with having to repeat this again and again and again. And one thing that I want to say is if repeating it again, and again and again, doesn't seem to be working, there's something that has to change on your end when you're communicating, right. So if you're doing the same thing over and over and over again, and it's not working, then the issue is with your communication. And I'm not saying that, you know, oh, it's you're in the bad, but just like the famous quote, Einstein had, which is if you continue to do the same thing over and over and over again, expecting a different result. That's a definition of insanity. Right? So what you want to do is change up how your communication is based on who your partner is being might need to be communicated differently. And so if that's the case, ask how do you need to be communicated? I'm trying to communicate this to you, but it doesn't seem to be working. And I want to improve my communication. And hey, open up the conversation there.
Akko 23:15
Exactly, exactly. So and in the end, we really want everyone to have a successful, loving, happy relationship with one another. And so our question to you is what kind of change Do you want to make?
Tamo 23:30
We'd love to hear from you. Please come say hi on our new website by going to Yuntaku time.com. All right. Take care.
Akko 23:39
Bye.