The Disastrous Consequences of Overbearing Mothers - Episode 46
Ever hear the words "Mama's Boy" being thrown around here and there? It's a playful word until you fall victim or become the offender. It's easy for mothers to want to overprotect her child/children. However, this act of "kindness" can cause disastrous consequences on the child. Parents need to be aware of how we are raising our child/children. Our job as parents is to teach our children to be able to spread their wings and fly in society.
Jordan Peterson, a Canadian clinical psychologist, illustrates the consequences of overbearing parenting in one of his lecture. Watching his lecture struck a cord with us especially the one regarding overbearing mothers. Join us as we dive deep on the discussion of disastrous consequences of overbearing parents.
Please subscribe .We look forward to reading your comments. ❤️ 💫
TIMESTAMP:
►00:00 - Intro
►00:13 - What does Yuntaku mean?
►00:39- TOPIC: The Disastrous Consequences of Overbearing Mothers
►00:53 - Recent Happenings: Cavities
►03:01 - Overview
►05:05 - Takeaway from Jordon Peterson's Video
►06:06 - Akko has an overbearing mother
►09:13 - What is hyper-masculine?
►09:39 - Mothers afraid of being alone - The Classic case of overprotected sons
►12:33 - Tamo's experience with his mother
►14:00 - Positive reinforcement parenting
►16:38 - The importance of parenting
►17:21 - How Akko's brothers were effected by an overbearing mother
►20:20 - Understanding your parenting - Awareness and Learning from your own experiences and family history.
►22:03 - Takeaway from this podcast
QUESTION: Are your parents overbearing? Are you overbearing yourself?
MUSIC:
► Copyright Chillhop Music - https://chillhop.com
#overbearingmother #consequencesofpoorparenting #riseinlove #realizeyourtruenature
Podcast Transcription
The transcription below is provided for your convenience, please excuse any errors made by the automated service.
Tamo: This is episode 46
Akko: And the topic of the day is the disastrous consequences of overbearing mothers. And before we get started, please take a quick moment to subscribe to our show. Now let's get back to our recent happenings. So recently I went to the dentist and, I would say what two years, because I have no idea what happened.
I used to go to cleanings twice a year, and that was going pretty well. And I had no cavities for a very long time. Growing up. I had a lot of cavities. I have two parents with poor dental chemistry. And so I feel like I. Inherited that. And so growing up, I had a lot of cavities. It's not like I wasn't brushing my teeth. I just, I don't know what happened. And for a very long time, I would say I don't know, six, seven years even. I didn't have cavities. And for whatever reason, I didn't go to the dentist for two years.
And also it was COVID time too
Yeah. COVID times so in 2020, it was hard to go. Cause I don't, think they were open and probably close to be honest with you. And so for 2020 I kind of avoided them and I was very diligent about at least taking care of my teeth because I wasn't able to do a cleaning. And then 2021, we had our son and I guess motherhood had took over me and, was finally ready to, make our dental appointment and then come to find out that I have cavities and not just one, but multiple four to be exact.
I have two small ones that are like forming and. Another two that's in my molar, but it's like super hard to get to. So I might have to get our crown, which is not something you want to hear. So that's where we are right now. Okay. Yeah, I'm pretty bummed, what can I do at this point?
It's not like I can go back in the past, but yeah. Just something that I have to deal with and just move forward but yeah.
Tamo: And you want to take care of it sooner
Akko: Exactly. Exactly. There's no pain of any sort.
So that's one reason that I probably didn't really ever know that I had cavities. I didn't think I would have cavities, but yeah, here we have cavities. so this a reminder to our listeners to always get your cleaning and take care of your teeth. if you've inherited bad dental hygiene, then yeah, definitely go for your cleaning.
And if you're someone like Tamo here that never had a cavity.
Tamo: Yeah. It's opposite. Completely
Akko: Yeah. You're super lucky.
Tamo: Yeah. Yeah.
Akko: All right. So the topic of the day-to-day is the disastrous consequences of overbearing weathers. And I want to say everything we discuss on our and website is for informational and educational purposes only, and does not constitute medical advice.
We're not doctors and sharing does not substitute professional healthcare advice. And we want to cover this topic
Tamo: today because
Akko: as parents who place emphasis on personal growth, we need to face difficult issues with courage.
We need to bring light to
Tamo: the
Akko: dark side of ourselves. And so that we can see clearly.
Tamo: what
Akko: has been placed in the shadow and resolve them with acceptance and love. So we can resolve traumas from our upbringing.
Tamo: and
Akko: Have a cleaner slate, which we parent from, and
Tamo: we're
Akko: not saying that only mothers can be over. In today's topic and today's topic is our own personal experience. Compare and contrast it with the lecture given by Jordan Peterson. So we encourage you to listen with an open mind and with curiosity.
Tamo: So
Akko: with the disclaimers out of the way uh, recently we came across a video clip by Jordan Peterson on overbearing.
Tamo: mothers,
Akko: This
Tamo: video struck a chord with
Akko: Aqua and I,
Tamo: as
Akko: we've been experiencing ed observing firsthand the destruction
Tamo: that
Akko: an overbearing mother can bring, not only to their child, but how it radiates.
Tamo: out
Akko: To others we'll link to the video on our website.
So if you're interested, please visit our website and click on the podcast link followed by episode 46. So in this video Peterson speaks about what happens when a child, especially a male child is over protected by the mother, which is a classic case he says in his lecture.
Tamo: And what we want to do is share some of the takeaways that we had in this lecture. And then also share the experience and observations that we've been having personally in in our life. , and it hits home. So let's go ahead and talk about the takeaways we've had from this. And then we'll go into discussing our own personal experience.So the takeaways the first takeaway that we have. is Mothers can look to their child for things that she's not getting from the husband.
The second takeaway that we had is the mother can feel a sense of loneliness. And if the mother helps the child grow up, the child would lead. leaving Her with nothing. Thus the mother feeling severe sense of fear and anxiety.
Number three, a growing child can be threatening to them. mother.
Number four, a mother interfering with the child's growth because when the child grows independent, there is less control for the mother.
Number five boys overbearing mothers can become hyper-masculine or actually the opposite.
Number six, the overbearing mother can entice the child by implying that, Hey, you don't have to do anything and I'll take care of you. but You can't be, you can't leave me. So those were the six main takeaways from this lecture and we completely see that in our own personal, experience and observing firsthand. And now what we want to do is discussthis together. Uh, and I, so if you think this episode can be helpful for other parents, please share it. And if you haven't, please take a moment to subscribe to our show. So I'll go, let's talk about this.
Akko: Yeah. So watching this video really hit home, like Tamo was saying. And the reason why it hits home is because I'm actually seeing this play out.
So I have two older brothers that I grew up with. They're much older and I have an overbearing mother. So like Dr. Peterson was saying, this usually happens when you don't have a great relationship with their spouse.
And with my situation, with my mother's situation, she didn't really have a good relationship, with my dad yet. He was not a bad father to me. He was a caring father to me. And that is something that I'm really grateful for. So yeah, going back to their relationship, they really didn't have a good relationship. And my mother was one of those mothers that always just wanted to keep control.
Like she always wanted to have that control over her children. And I have to say two of her children fell in that trap. I have to say maybe when I was younger, I didn't know better but as I got older, I always gained control of myself. I did a lot of things on my own. I was pretty independent. And moved out of the house as soon as I can. And as for my brothers one of them did, but he still kept going back home. And so that, really didn't play a positive role in his life.
And I do also want to say that the two prototypes that
Tamo: that
Akko: dr. Peterson was talking about as far as either having a super overly compassionate, overly caring person that usually gets taken advantage of because they're super nice that would be one of my brothers, like 100%.
That is exactly what happened. And a lot of people takes advantage of him, including my mother. And he wasn't able to take control of his life because of that. And my other brother, he went the opposite direction and he is hyper-masculine. And literally the two prototypes that Dr. Peterson was saying is what I'm seeing in my two brothers. And so that's the reason why it really hit home. I see this happening. I see my mother, really trying to grab on as tight as she can.
And yeah. That's why we want to just talk about this topic so that, we can make parents aware of these things that are happening.
Tamo: Yeah. And this something that can be very overt and obvious to see, but at the same time, it can be very subtle too, especially for the mothers that are doing it. They might not even be aware of what they're doing. They might not be aware that they're destroying the lives of their children. And it actually radiates out to even more because even our family is getting affected negatively because of this. It radiates out and it's been quite a heartbreaking time for all of us here. And also Akko mentioned that she moved out in episode 42. We actually talked about her moving out and the strategy and the questions that we asked ourselves before making these big moves, when family doesn't approve. So check it out. It's a episode 42 minutes. I'll help my family doesn't improve strategies for making best decisions when your family does it approve. So check that out. And so I also wanted to define hypermasculine so that we're all on the same page. The way we are using hyper-masculine is not necessarily a physical trait. It's the extreme side, of masculinity, which turns into a negative, such as being quick to anger or aggression or impulsivity.All those types of traits is what we're talking about. When we say hyper-masculine.So that's what she meant when she said hyper masculine. So I'll go, we had some takeaways from Dr. Peterson's lecture and he mentioned like a mother can feel a sense of loneliness and the mother gets very fearful that if she helps the child, the child would be, and then she's scared that she doesn't have anything. She's. is Left without anything. And what are your thoughts with that in this situation?
Akko: This is loud and clear in my mother. Like she is completely afraid of being alone. A year ago my father had passed and so , she really doesn't have anyone except for her children. And she's abnormally reliant on her children to be happy. And that's the wrong way of thinking. Happiness has to come from within. And so she's completely fearful of being alone. And so she tries to hold onto my brother's. As I have a family, so I tell her that my family is, important. And so I have to be there for them. Not to say that I push my mom away. I tried to help her the best I can, but also with the understanding that I am also taking care of my family. And she, she really tries to hold on to my brothers because of that fear of being alone. And, sometimes it can be scary and I understand it can be scary to be alone, but
and has been
Tamo: at
the cost of their lives. For you. It's been, uh, quite a big cost. And for your brother it's damaged their lives because she had grabbed onto.
tight.
Yeah. Also Dr. Peterson had mentioned that the overbearing mother can interfere with the child's growth because when the child grows independent, there's less control for the mother. I also hear
that and I've been seeing that also.
Akko: Yeah. I, 100%, 100%. And some of the, even the comments even had mentioned of what people went through because they themselves had overbearing mothers and there's a lot of comments saying that the mothers would sabotage their jobs so that they can get fired. And in turn, move back with the mom because they don't have any money to pay for rent and whatnot, or even sabotage their romantic relationships. And, that's really unfair to the child.
Tamo: Yeah. So if this resonates with you, we highly recommend you checking out the video one and then. two Checking out the comment section. There's a lot of insightful comments. And for me, I've seen some really disturbing yet insightful comments. And so we recommend that.And also, this is not to just say, oh, it's only for mothers and sons. It's bleeding into like me, so it can bleed into your daughter. Your daughter is your father can do it to the daughter. If father can do it to a son. but
Akko: And most common cases, it happens to mothers and sons.
And Dr. Peterson also talks about that, that this is the classic case. It's the classic case. And most common case is that a male child is overprotected by the mother. And like Akko mentioned, it can happen any combination of ways.
Tamo: But for us, we see this. case Playing out in our lives, and it's directly negatively affecting many peoples. lives.And also on my end I've also experienced , a light version of that by mother was on the more over-protective site. And for me I was lucky enough to have enough insight to tell my mom that's what's happening. And for me to step away from that is. during the time Uh, when I was transitioning into college, I had a talk with my mom saying Hey, it's time to loosen the grips a little bit. And because I had that insight I was able to talk to her and thus make the next step towards my own personal growth. And said, Hey mom it's time.It's time for me to grow as a human being, it was time for me to get out and spread my wings. And so that's what happened in my personal case. And luckily my mom wasn't as sticky and of course. It was hard for her. I think it would be hard for any parent, but little by little she began to accept that. And then I was able to go forward. So for me, it was much less of a sticky situation. And I was able to nip it at the bud if I would have let it go, Oh, I could probably still be living at home too. Right. it's this situation is difficult because once a person is of age it's that person's responsibility to advocate for themselves. But at the same time, if they have been so suppressed throughout their life, they might not even have the insight that they need. to leave the nest and spread their own wings and become the best version of themselves. And why as parents when we are parenting our children, we tried to make sure that we're giving them positive reinforcement. This is because when you grow older, if you're constantly hearing negativity, that's the subconscious talk that you'll have. You might think that you're not good enough or you can't do it, or you're bad if you're being told that when you're a kid by your parents, that is what replays in your mind, again and again, thus when you grow older and you're not able to express who you are fully. And so that's what we are conscious of when we parent our children. And unfortunately we are seeing the very
Akko: next. Perfect of what can happen.
Yeah. And I like how you brought up the whole like positive reinforcement for parenting.
Cause that's exactly what we do for our kids. And we try to even have them problem solve. So even if we know, let's say they're doing a puzzle or something and they're not fitting the right puzzle piece in there, we just let it go. And then we see what we, what happens. And this actually helps them build that problem-solving skill and that critical thinking skills so that they can trust themselves to make their own decision.
And oh okay. This puzzle pieces actually didn't fit here. So let me take it out. And they put the puzzle piece that fits there. So we're actually helping them build. life skills through puzzles, which is really interesting. And also Tamo mentioned even seeing no or negative reinforcements every time you say no, they usually say, you have to say I like 10 or 20 yeses, that follows because the no's can really affect you when you're a kid.
And yeah, , like Tom, I mentioned again it can prevent you from becoming independent when you get older. And it's interesting how you say that because how you are talking about your mother and how you had to have a talk with her about, you spreading your wings and flying off because I feel like after high school and when I got to college I was actually commuting to my college and.
My curfew has got even more strict, which is like so crazy to think. But in high school, I feel like I was a lot more free. So let's say my curfew in high school was like, I don't know, let's say nine or 10, my curfew around college was around like 8:00 PM. And.
I'm like,
I'm older. Like why do I have to come back so much earlier? And so it was showing that my parents were like especially my mom was like trying to control me more so because she saw me becoming more independent. And so this is the only thing she knew how to control me.
So , you better come back at this time. So there was a lot of friction with that and. That was really the ultimate reason why I was like, I gotta go, I gotta go. This is not healthy for me. And this is not healthy for our relationship. So I have to go. And yeah, obviously she didn't take that well,
Parenting is very important and the more we watch these videos and the more we see the after effects of poor parenting, in hindsight, it's very obvious how much parenting plays a key role in a child in individual.
Tamo: Yeah. And especially the, damage you can do with poor parenting. Yeah.
Yeah. You were saying. that.
as you grew older, you're getting more and more clamped down when in reality, what needed to happen for you to grow was given more freedom, but instead you're becoming jailed more and more. And your, the case where you are able to break free and do you.
and Personally experience more and grow more, but what was the situation with your brothers?
Akko: Yeah, I have to say from my oldest brother, he just wasn't able to break free. He just had that personality, like we said, like I mentioned earlier, super nice, super compassionate and was easily taken advantage of, so he learned helplessness and for my mom, that was a great thing because whatever she wanted to do or whatever she wanted to do whatever she wanted to do to control him, he let happen. So that worked in my mom's favor, but not in his favor because he learned helplessness. And so my mom, whatever hand me outs at my mom did, he just took it and then he just went with it So he wasn't able to survive and he's not at all independent. He still lives at home. He's never carried on of a lasting relationship and he's still dependent on my mother. And that's really not a good trait as an adult.
And as for my other brother, he also, although he did move away from home, he still kept coming back. And that was also not good for him in that. He was constantly still getting a little bit of my mom's toxicity. And in turn he became hyper masculine. And what I mean by this is , he is easily angered, easily frustrated, very impulsive and. very temperamental. And so a lot of times he just gets very angry very quickly to a point where he needs anger management and I hope he seeks that type of help, and he's always rebelling and yelling at my mother because my mom tries to still control him.
And he'd obviously doesn't like that, but unfortunately the damage has been done. Super just, he gets angry, very easily, impulsive, irritable just very extreme in those senses. And unfortunately, unless he really seeks help, he won't be able to break free from that type of characteristics. it's not the ideal situation that any parent would dream. You know that their child being being in, and it's very sad to know that, my mom she's obviously not happy about the situation that my oldest brother is in or my other brother, but here she is unaware that she created this, it was her parenting that guided them to this direction.
And yeah, so that's the type of, aftermath that has occurred with poor parenting from my mother. She's continuing to relive that cycle. She just keeps on cycling and there's no way to break free and. It's very sad to see as a I'm like the insider, but the outsider, I'm not really a part of it, but obviously I'm getting affected by it because she still tries to control me and i'm having to deal with my brothers, but I just make sure that I put my foot down and, I protect my family.
So that her toxicity doesn't bleed into my family. And there's a lot that I wish, and I really hope my mom understands, but unfortunately she's just not ready to accept the type of parent she is. And, for those that think that they're in that same boat that thinks, okay, you know what?
My parenting method might not be on par but don't know how to stop. It might be important to accept professional help. And we don't think there's anything wrong with, seeking professional help. That's something that you're doing for yourself and for your family. And that's something that's very courageous and should be respected in our opinion,
I always try to be mindful of how I'm parenting. I always look at those situations where I wasn't able to let's say act in the. Way that I would like to, and I look back and, see, okay, how could I have improved? And that's how we always improve parenting by looking at those situations where we wish we acted a certain way and we look back and we learn from those experiences so that we don't repeat that from happening.
Tamo: Yeah. And when we say looking back at the way we parented and improving upon that, we're not saying That we're blaming ourselves or being hard on ourselves. We actually look back in the past of how we reacted or responded to our children. We look at it from a very kind of neutral spot so that we're not making ourselves feel bad because that's the past. And we create a new, now we can create that now. So we don't look back with negativity or shame or guilt or anything like that. It's more from a neutral spot and then discuss with each other. Okay. This is what. happened. What are your thoughts and getting input from each other to make better decisions and make and respond better to our children in the future when similar situations pop up.
Akko: Yeah, exactly. And that's the same with life too, right? You always want to improve how you reacted to certain things and that's how you improve in life,
Tamo: yeah. So the takeaway from this podcast, is, if you're in this situation with your parents, Hey we empathize with you. We understand. And if you want to share your story, please come to our website and, comment so that everyone else can be a part of this. And another one would be how negatively a child can be impacted by poor parenting. And also that. We can be positive in a sense that we can be the change. We can be the parents that change the course of where it's going, because if you're continuing to keep alive the poor parenting from your parents, or if you go to the extreme opposite where which can also have many traps where if you say, okay, my parent was this way, so I'll never be this way instead.
I'm going to be completely opposite. That opposite will also have its negative issues. For example, if you say, oh, my parents never showed me love. So, I'm going to go completely opposite. I'm going to completely show all the love that I have for my children, but that can also turn into this overbearing parent. So it can be either or so, not being so black and white and extreme with the thoughts instead finding the middle way, finding the middle path and figuring out what is best for this situation. And don't blanket over everything with a certain belief. And so that's the takeaways that we have from this podcast and hope that this serves to bring more awareness to the situation that you might be dealing with a situation that you might have. be overbearing with your children that things can always be cleaned up. As we can become more and more aware of what we're doing. And then also make the change and change the course of our children for the positive, for the better. All right. So the question of the day
are your parents overbearing or are you overbearing yourself? We would love to hear from you
Akko: Please come and say hi by commenting on our website by going to AKKOANDTAMO.COM and clicking on the podcast tab.
Tamo: All right we'll talk to you soon.
Akko: Alright, bye.